小心魔 ∥ little demon

我不是你們想的那樣,也不是我以為的那個樣子。

我想我被控制了,是甜蜜的負擔,它在我夢裏哭,它在我夢裏笑。

我想,我在試著彌補小心魔。

我朋友說人的另一面就是inner child,它會跟著人長大,到了老的時候精神衰弱會反過來控制你。

不過我知道,我的小心魔會一直很愛我,就像我也愛我的小心魔,至少它讓我的夢變的有趣,說不定我們會處的很好。

I am not the person you think, neither the person I thought.

I think I am controlled, by my sweet burden in my dream, crying and smiling.

I think I am making this little demon up.

My friend said the other side of a person is their inner child; it will grow up with people, and when they were 60s or 70s, demon will take the charge in turn.

But I know, my little demon will always loves me, just like how I love my little demon. At least it lit up my dreams frequently, and probably we will get along better than this.

廣告

[親愛的日記∥Dear Diary] – 1

Most of the time I wrote in Chinese, but sometimes I prefer write in English. I do not know how I defined them and which language to use. Due to this, somehow my mind separated into two parts or two worlds; one is not bad and the other is homesick.  I am writing in English without refined words, just something I want to spit it out.

Actually, I do not want to be as brave as my classmates think: how brave I am to be here by myself, how brave I studied abroad far from my hometown, etc.; probably I just get a weak connection to other, to my friends and my family.

I know that kind of feeling, comparing to those anxious emotion based on far from home, I am more scared of the emotion makes me nervous when I know I will go back in the future. I am not ready, I know, not ready to say goodbye to you, not ready to end up the story, although it was ended by your texts. I am not sure I can do this, face to you, say hi to you, as if we have been known each other for a long time. I should stay back and keep this out there temporarily. It is better for me.

This is what we said: Jin Hsiang Ching Gung Cheuh , which means getting closer to the hometown, you will be more timid. I want to see you but, on the contrary, I do not. So annoying. I also afraid that you will forget me if you meet a new person and have new memories and go to the new place, then forget about me, forever.

Winter is getting closer and your appearance is fading out. I told you I am more compassionate than before, I think it is because this time, I took this relationship so serious that I almost believed that we can take care of each other – for always.

Would you know that every time I tried to touch it, the wound always hurt just like it is on fire? I can rarely bare. My friend said that it is inevitable to have scars if you want to grow up. I know, but what I do not know is that you are not walking with me. What do I supposed to do with those memories?

I am so tired to keep fighting with my Depression but I know I cannot give up to resist that soon, although all of those terrible, memorable things mingle together and overwhelmed me. This is not the right time; not the end of the story. The nice chapters and tragedies always interweave, bound together. I have to wait, wait until the last chapter led to the happy ending.

海洋

我才知道自己多麼喜歡看海。

 

我以為我討厭海邊,但當我發現自己有可能一整年看不見海的時候我竟然開始悶悶不樂。

我記得她是怎麼擺盪她的藍,也記得她是如何溫柔的呼喊,接近她好像就能離世界更進一點。

我也記得我們跟海,我想連結只剩下這些了,只剩下海,但海又是這麼大,大到好像不只是這些。

 

我也想成為海洋,也想要像海一樣能夠在內心裡承載很多,不管是好是壞。

只有海能夠不管得到好的壞的,依然擁有魚兒為她歡欣鼓舞,鳥兒盤旋著高聲歌唱,彷彿萬物都在幫助她閃閃發光,如同我說起最愛的你們時是滿身的笑意。

 

最特別的是,她還可以擁有白色的太陽。