[親愛的日記∥Dear Diary] – 1

Most of the time I wrote in Chinese, but sometimes I prefer write in English. I do not know how I defined them and which language to use. Due to this, somehow my mind separated into two parts or two worlds; one is not bad and the other is homesick.  I am writing in English without refined words, just something I want to spit it out.

Actually, I do not want to be as brave as my classmates think: how brave I am to be here by myself, how brave I studied abroad far from my hometown, etc.; probably I just get a weak connection to other, to my friends and my family.

I know that kind of feeling, comparing to those anxious emotion based on far from home, I am more scared of the emotion makes me nervous when I know I will go back in the future. I am not ready, I know, not ready to say goodbye to you, not ready to end up the story, although it was ended by your texts. I am not sure I can do this, face to you, say hi to you, as if we have been known each other for a long time. I should stay back and keep this out there temporarily. It is better for me.

This is what we said: Jin Hsiang Ching Gung Cheuh , which means getting closer to the hometown, you will be more timid. I want to see you but, on the contrary, I do not. So annoying. I also afraid that you will forget me if you meet a new person and have new memories and go to the new place, then forget about me, forever.

Winter is getting closer and your appearance is fading out. I told you I am more compassionate than before, I think it is because this time, I took this relationship so serious that I almost believed that we can take care of each other – for always.

Would you know that every time I tried to touch it, the wound always hurt just like it is on fire? I can rarely bare. My friend said that it is inevitable to have scars if you want to grow up. I know, but what I do not know is that you are not walking with me. What do I supposed to do with those memories?

I am so tired to keep fighting with my Depression but I know I cannot give up to resist that soon, although all of those terrible, memorable things mingle together and overwhelmed me. This is not the right time; not the end of the story. The nice chapters and tragedies always interweave, bound together. I have to wait, wait until the last chapter led to the happy ending.

廣告

海洋

我才知道自己多麼喜歡看海。

 

我以為我討厭海邊,但當我發現自己有可能一整年看不見海的時候我竟然開始悶悶不樂。

我記得她是怎麼擺盪她的藍,也記得她是如何溫柔的呼喊,接近她好像就能離世界更進一點。

我也記得我們跟海,我想連結只剩下這些了,只剩下海,但海又是這麼大,大到好像不只是這些。

 

我也想成為海洋,也想要像海一樣能夠在內心裡承載很多,不管是好是壞。

只有海能夠不管得到好的壞的,依然擁有魚兒為她歡欣鼓舞,鳥兒盤旋著高聲歌唱,彷彿萬物都在幫助她閃閃發光,如同我說起最愛的你們時是滿身的笑意。

 

最特別的是,她還可以擁有白色的太陽。

Loneliness

Little Prince - lonlieness

pic via Redemptive Reflections

In fact, everyone afraid of loneliness, but no one can describe it specifically; what it is, what it looks like, how does it smell.

Loneliness is a transition. You said goodbye to those familiar things, yet to find the new place to fit in; those days chasing your dream with lost and hesitation sharing with nobody; saying “we are growing together" when they were kids, while Peter Pan cannot remember anything; different kinds of loneliness, so different but so the same.

To lose love is a symbol of loneliness. Meeting under the starry night and boy asked girl to reach out the stars for him, she promised him but arouse a lonely flowing. You walk on the path ablaze with lights and nobody holds your hand, no one to chat with, this is so-called loneliness.

Loneliness will happen in the right time and right place, when you cannot go away, and neither come back.

However, girl, trying to remember what Douglas Coupland said in 《Shampoo Planet》: “the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”

Also, Janet Fitch probably can help us cope with this from 《White Oleander》: “
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”